Confession Time...

Okay, so I did it! I bought the clomid. I just couldn't stop thinking that I probably wouldn't regret doing it but I would regret not doing it because I would always wonder what if...
It'll probably do nothing but that won't be any different than what my body is doing now--which is nothing. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I prayed about it and didn't get a don't do it, actually the phrase that popped into my mind was "I have to do EVERYTHING I can (including this) and the Lord will make up the difference". So a few days later of this going through my mind over and over...I did it.

What Happened to Spring? :(

Man o man did Mother Nature fake us out! I almost got upset then realized it was actually a blessing for the rain/snow. The Lord gave us those few really nice days, and for once Allen and I did something productive with the blessing and got the garden all prepped: fertilizer, maneur, and even some out dated bottled fruits and veges. Tilled 'em all in and now the water will help get all that leaking good stuff into the soil for our yummy garden!!! And not only that I had just been thinking it's about time to start watering the lawn, but now that can wait for a time.

Y'all probably think I'm a bit strange because of the stuff I put on our blog (and that's perfectly fine because I've never thought of myself as "normal") it wasn't planned to be this way but somehow it turned into a journal, closest thing to a journal I have anyway.

When we started it the idea was to give any potential birthmothers a little bit of an insight to us and our lives on a little bit more personal level than the profile at LDSFS. It seems though, that it has evolved into a way to vent and by doing so actually let people into my thoughts and feelings. Now that I'm really thinking about it...that may stop, that's not a place I let very many people into, or hadn't until now. Eh, who knows. Feelis kinda good to put it out there.

I feel this summer is going to be awesome!!! Last summer was fun but I didn't get much accomplished that I wanted to. Last Summer we had foster kids living with us, they were extremely demanding! Poor kids didn't know how to entertain themselves with a pool, trampoline, swings, sandbox and even dogs. I couldn't go to the bathroom without one of them being at the door wanting something. It was so strange because the way I remember my childhood, when I was six and seven the sandbox entertained us for hours and hours (mom had to call us in the house in the heat of the day (she probably remembers it differently though). I understand that the environment they came from they didn't develope much of an imagination, but Allen and I both played in the sandbox with them taught them how to build sand castles and dig tunnels and make small cities for the toys we had out there. That's not the point though, the point is this summer I have half the week all to myself to do whatever I want in the yard because Allen works. I might keep up on the weeding in the flower beds AND in the garden, and heck, I might even fix the holes in the lawn where our four legged friends think it's a good idea to dig for who knows what reason (what a pain in the rear!).

I think I might even make it a point to attend family reunions. For years I have felt awkward and very uncomfortable around people (especially family), but since reading a bunch of books and getting to know myself I've discovered that I'm worth knowing!!! Basic stuff, I know. The one book that finally sank that deep into my skull though was "Anatomy of Peace". It helped me discover that it's not that I feel like others don't like me, it's because when the critical moment came that I have to make the choice to enter a box or keep my heart at peace...I usually chose to enter my box and justify, justify, justify. To completely understand that statement you would have to read the book. Simply put (I think) I had a heart at war (with myself) most of the time because I chose to stay a wall-flower and silent rather than be true to myself. I would like to explain better but...read the book! It is awe inspiring!!! Actually, it's about time for me to read it again because the concepts are fading in my mind.

So now you probably think, not just a bit strange...completely weird! That's okay though I've even had a Doctor tell me I'm weird, so it's not just you, it's been an actual diagnosis. :)

I love life and all the twists and turns that it takes!!! Last night Allen and I decided starting next Tuesday, every Tuesday morning we are going to start going to the Temple!!! I'm so excited and a little confused at myself because the past 2 or 3 weeks it's been me that has decided not to go to church. But honestly, I can't wait to go to the Temple! It's been a year I think since we've been. That I know is very pathetic since the Mt Timpanogos Temple is within walking distance but I guess everyone starts right where they're at, and this is where we are at this point.

Wow! That was a LOT of rambling! And if you made it this far, I'm really sorry, but I feel better. :p

One last thought (turned into two). I got this out of a book that I read a while ago and a little before I found the clomid online this would've been a great help because of the "Why is God doing this to me?" attitude I was stuck in. Without further adieu:

“Many times when we experience what we think is a shattered dream, God is in reality interrupting our plans to…develop our character our understanding of who He is in order to prepare us for what He has in store. The desert is not always welcomed, but it is always profitable. He doesn‘t take us into the wilderness to see if we have what it takes. He leads us into the wilderness to reveal to us what is truly in our hearts.”
Sharon Jaynes
Dreams of a Woman

(another book I would recommend)

One day, I believe, Heavenly Father will bless us with a little one. This was just a cute picture from our trip to Yellowstone (last May/June) I wanted to share. I don't think I would want a minnie-me following me around but I could go for a minnie-Allen. :) Notice the mother is sticking her tongue out...is that nature's way of saying, "I have a baby and you DON'T?" Just kidding, I don't really think that (anymore). ;)

Finally Spring???

Ahh, the first flowers of spring. Okay, the short ones actually started blooming almost a month ago but then yesterday I saw the tall ones. Don't know as I've ever seen them bloom before. Hmm. But since the flowers are starting to bloom, I think it's a pretty good sign it's spring time!! Yay!!!

I really love that Allen gets to be home during the first part of the week because of his work schedule!!! Yesterday we decided the weather may possibly, maybe, hopefully be turning into real live Spring and this year we are going to have a garden! I'm so excited! The whole time we lived in Pleasant Grove we always talked about having a garden (over there we could've had a huge garden) but never did it. But this year...we're gonna have a garden!!! So Allen got the tiller out and tilled up it up. But then we decided we had better fence it it so the dogs won't dig it all up. That turned out easier and cheaper than we both expected, nice.

I wish I could figure out how to teach them to stop digging. We finally (Monday) fixed the perimeter of our yard by putting tons of rocks along the fence. Hopefully Mak won't be tough enough to move them so he can dig and make space for Rio and Skunk to slink under. What a panic when a little five pound dog disappears out of the yard on a busy street! You just don't know where to look for them and they can stand behind ANYTHING and disappear!

While we were doing the yard work the dogs were evidently lovin' the warmth of the sun too! They seemed as giddy and excited to be outside as Allen and I. I should've gotten pictures of them playing but I was wearing gloves and a lot of the time I had maneur on me. Oh yeah, what is up with puppies eating poop? While we were spreading maneur five out of the six dogs were eating what we dropped! Ew! Rio was the only one who didn't seem facinated with it and want to eat it. It was kind of funny though watching them carry pieces around like they had just found the best scooby snack ever.

A little later after we had finished spreading the maneur and decided it was getting a bit too warm and we had had enough sun for a while we looked around and most of the dogs seemed to be thinking the same thing, even Skunk with his short haircut had found some shade.

Rio was the only exception, that little guy had found a non-breezy, sunny spot to fall asleep (he's going to love living in Texas-yep, he's gonna move to Texas to live with my cousin Becky and her family and two chihuahuas).

So we took a break for lunch and played with the dogs for a while. Our new little Mugsy, poor thing, just hasn't got the idea not to bite yet. I think he was wearing the muzzle as much as not while we were playing with them. Poor little dude. He'll learn though, and the muzzle is a TON more effective than hitting and/or yelling at them. It teaches them to submit because it takes their only weapon away which is their mouth.

Anywho, I was just so excited that we are going to have a garden!!! After getting it all ready, I remember why as a kid I hated it! Lol. It's a lot of work! Now I'm just anxiously awaiting the day (hopin' for Mon) we actually decide what to plant and how much and dig the furrows and burry the seeds!!! It's gonna be awesome to go out and get fresh vitamin packed veges!!! Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!!

Which One Looks the Best?

This is going to be short and sweet, I would just like to know which one looks the best. We decided to change our "family" picture on our LDSFS profile and we would like opinions on which looks the best. I think we did pretty good for being on a very sunny day and all by ourselves. :) I think next time though we will get someone to be behind the camera for us and do it on a cloudy day (shadows bug me something fierce).

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Newest Addition to the Family

A while ago we found out that Tank's brother needed a new home. We looked around for one but it was useless. Everyone who wanted a dog already had one and didn't want another. Some were interested for a minute but then decided against it. So we finally decided we would just get him from the previous owner because they didn't want him and if they didn't want him they obviously weren't taking care of his needs. Anywho, so we had Keith (Al's bro) pick him up for us on his way to our house (tell you why in a minute).

As soon as we saw him we fell in love with the little guy. He looks so similar to Tank but at the same time so different. After Keith dropped him off before picking his son up we called the former owner to find out what we could because she gave no iformation to Keith. Come to find out he has had no shots (pet peave, if you're going to own a pet...take care of it. If you can't or don't want to and won't...give it to someone who will.) and is starting to come when called by name, and is not really house trained. Talk about sad! He's 15 weeks old, and not really sure of his name. Well, kind of a bonus for us because we think he had been disiplined too harshly (wet himself when we would reach for him sometimes) so we changed his name so it will be a positive thing when called. He is a cute little thing and has totally claimed Allen.

Now though, the need to find a new home for Rio is more urgent. So if anyone knows someone who is looking for a small dog and he would be an only dog let me know-oh yeah, it would have to be someone who would take really good care of him.

So, the reason Keith was coming up is because Allen and him were going on a 4x4 trip with the guys from their 4x4 forum. Keith and his son were in his Jeep, and Al and myself and our 4 small dogs in Al's truck. That was fun! But we (I) couldn't leave them home because we didn't know how long we were going to be gone and with a dog we don't know too well yet, we wanted to be able to keep a pretty close eye on him. It honestly wasn't too bad though, I don't think they enjoyed getting jarred and jostled as much as they got, but it was probably worth it because they did get to get out and run around quite a bit.

It turned out pretty fun and I can't wait to go on the next trip with them! I just better do a better job with the camera or I might get fired! :-P The pictures are of Allen going in and doing some "tumblewheeln". If I would've been thinking more quickly I would've videoed the whole things. OOPS!! Sorry about the video being sideways...that's what happens when amateurs (me) get behind the camera. :) This was only the cherry on top of the trip though they did do some rock crawlin' and stuff up a trail, this was just something we passed on our way out and someone had went through here in Jan and knew there was a trail. So of course it would be even more fun to "follow" the trail through tumbleweeds that covered the entire truck and made it impossible to see anything! I must say though I was impressed and thought it was pretty cool! :)

Skunk's First Haircut

Monday we took Skunk to get a haircut. When it pretended to be spring for a couple days it seemed every time I looked at him the poor thing was panting. In the pictures you can't really tell there is much difference.

It used to be that he looked a lot bigger than Rio. I guess it was mostly hair because now they look almost the exact same size. Skunk's bones are just a bit thicker. And we had no idea he was speckled! It's a really good thing we told them not to shave around his face or his tail or I wouldn't have recognized him! I'm pretty sure when weather decides to really be spring then summer, he'll be thanking us. For now he cuddles up with the other two and does just fine.

While I'm yackin' about my puppies I just had to share how much bigger Tank is now than when we first got him!!!

He doesn't stand any taller than Skunk and Rio, actually their backs are about even, but he weighs twice as much! He's just like a miniature lab. When him and Mak stand next to each other he just looks like a miny-Mak (with spots of course).

I know in this picture of them laying next to each other you can't really tell the size difference easily but you can tell that Tank can no way curl up as small as Skunk. They are best buds and so cute when they play!

Maybe God just put me on this Earth to care for dogs. Heaven knows I love to! I've often wondered if after we die if we get to have pets, are all the pets we had here going to be there waiting? Will we get to have new pets? I know there is so much work that we will be taking care of after this life but wouldn't it be sad if there are no pets!?! I really hope fish don't count! While we were raising guppies we sure fed a lot to Allen's Oscars not to mention we flushed a bunch that medication just wouldn't help. I don't think I ever want to do fish again...what a pain!

Birthday 4x4 Trip

Thank you for the birthday wishes and feed back! Much appreciated! I decided that if it is meant to be the Lord will make it happen because you are all right, wouldn't know for sure what I was getting and if it was the wrong thing that could be bad. So for now....not gonna do it.

My birthday was so fun! I turned my phone off and headed out of town. Allen and I went down to Manti to have dinner with Allen's little brother then go on a short 4x4 trip. We just went up on the hill behind the Manti Temple. With the loose dirt and huge rocks it was bound to be fun. I don't know if our dogs liked it but Allen had a blast and that kind of stuff recharges him for the daily grind. Love that man!

On the way to the top we had to stop and test the flex. Found out that for bone stock Allen's truck does really well. :-) He was excited about it anyway, but I guess that's what matters.

This is the spot Allen's brother brought us up to just to see if a full size truck could make it. :-O

Allen tried...and tried...and tried but to no avail. :-( Even with his brother up there telling him which way to go to make sure he didn't smack important stuff on big rocks. I guess I shouldn't have cropped him out of this one. At this point I had Skunk and Rio out of the vehicle with me. For their safety and Allen's. They really like to try and help drive. Tank was in the Jeep. Allen's sis-in-law is due in May so it wouldn't be so good to take her on such a bumpy trip. They drove around the back side where the road was a lot smoother.

Anywho, could't make it over the ledge of rocks so Al took the alternative road to bypass the rocky ledge. As you can see, it wasn't much better. But there wasn't any huge rocks to climb over.

At the top. I guess I'm kind of a wuss, I walked up the mountain. It was okay though I need the exercise :-P and Skunk and Rio both need to start getting their paws used to stuff other than carpet, especially with good weather on the way.

Here's a picture of "My Temple" from the top. I wasn't kidding when I said behind the Temple. I got to see the quarry where they got all the rock to build "My Temple". :-) I wish I would've got a picture of that. It's nothin' fancy but--you know how it is, it has to do with "My Temple".

I know it's a little strange but on our way back down the guys had to get out and look at a wash and discuss whether or not we could make it (I assume that's what the conversation entailed anyway). This sparkly flag is hanging on the rear view and I just had to take a picture cuz it was sparklin' in my eyes and they talked for a long time. Anyone who knows me well at all knows that I have a fetish for sparkly things. And it was really pretty because there was a breeze blowing through the truck so it was just barely moving and sparkling like crazy.

So we went back to their place cleaned up the dinner mess and headed home. The "kids" were exhausted. So they slept all the way home. It was kind of nice having my lap to myself.

This is just a picture of my birthday coming to a close. We had a lot of fun and got to spend time in the sun together (my favorite thing) doing one of Allen's favorite activities. Honestly the real reason we went down is because a couple weeks ago a trip got canceled and Allen was really bummed. He's just getting into this 4x4 club (I think it's great--he needs a hobby and a way to make more friends!) and wanting to get out there and go on trips and see who has the biggest, baddest and toughest 4x4. So for my birthday we both wanted out of the house and I like to go do "guy stuff" (part of the reason he married me I think). Oh yeah, and I got to take pictures!!! I love to do that!!! You wouldn't believe how many pictures I have on my computer, mostly of dogs but that's who I spend most of my time with.

P.S. Turns out 31st birthday...mmm....just another day.

Seeking Opinions

Okay, so the first part just turned into a story, what I'm wanting opinions on is at the bottom.
Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. There hasn't been a birthday that has really hit me and all of a sudden I feel old and feel like I have accomplished nothing. But I'm kind of wondering if this will be it. Hmmm, can't wait to find out. I think the reason I feel this might be the one is the past few weeks I've been thinking about poor pitiful me. I'm over 30 and I have no family, just a bunch of dogs. Yeh, their my babies but really--just pets. My older brother has a 13 or 14 year old (I know I suck cuz I don't know for sure and I should) and his youngest is four or five. My baby brother has a 6 or 7 year old and his youngest is 1 almost 2 (I think). So by the time I start a family everyone else's kids will be grown and leaving the nest. Okay, Loren and Wendy might be starting a family in about the same time but they live in Oregon!
So I guess it's not turning 31 that has me bummed but I'm behind on the "plans" I had for my life by a full decade!!! I was going to get married Dec. 17, 1998 and start having kids in 1999 or 2000. Don't know where in the world the date came from but that was the date I picked in the 10th grade. I could've been married then but Allen and I were both too shy to speak up. He kind of asked and I wasn't sure if he was serious (later found out he was) so all I said was, "Oh". Anyway, so here it is 2009 and I realize even if I would've gotten married when I had it "planned" I would still be barren and have a bunch of dogs.
I don't know, when you weigh out the pros and cons having kids and not having kids are really about equal...if you don't count the emotional stuff. But if you count the emotional stuff...we all know what would win every blasted time!
Situation:
I found clomid online that I can order and it would only cost like $55 for enough for 3 cycles of it. Drs have prescribed it before but I've only tried it twice, it was the lowest dose possible and it was years ago! I'm really very tempted to order it at a higher dosage and see if it would work. That would be soooo much cheaper!! Not having to pay copays and full price for the prescription because insurance doesn't cover any of it and who knows how many times I would have to see the Dr so it would save TONS of time too!!!
Very tempted...I mean the worst that could happen is my overies would end up over stimulated and I could possibly never have kids (LOL!) not anything new. Or on the other hand...I could get pregnant and have mine and Allen's childhood dream come true!
I would really like some feed back. I can't decide what to do. Maybe that could be my birthday present to myself.....hmmm......what to do, what to do?

How Things Change

I can't get out of my head how different things are in our marriage. The first time we were married within six months I wanted out, at one point I actually left but was guilted in to going back. Then we got marriage counseling...that was a frickin' joke! All we found out there was I am a "black widow spider" and the counselor told me it was all me because if he didn't do things exactly how I wanted then I would attack. So for the next three years or so we were miserable together, I mean there was NO love. Okay, we loved each other but we didn't like each other. So I found a way out and I ran, out of state actually. But within a year we both new that we were needed each other, not to mention the Lord knew and kept making our paths cross. So we decided to take another stab at it. I think we were both a little skeptical but we were more miserable apart than we were together.

Things went well for a minute, then started back into the same ol' stuff. We were hoping and praying for help to figure out how to make it work when an angel (not literally) showed up at our door and shared some stuff with us that lead us to a bunch of people whose main objective is to help people improve themselves and their lives. They introduced us to books. At first we both resisted. Neither one of us liked to read or had read since we were in school.

But then we read "The Five Love Languages" that changed our marriage. Our love languages are so different, no wonder why neither of us felt loved. There was still more to learn though. Then we were told about "Love and Respect". WOW! What a powerful book! Reading this and talking about it changed things sooooo much! Now we understood each other and ourselves. We always new how differently men and women are wired but never could quite understand in what ways. This book cleared it right up. But you put those two books together and actually talk about them.......it's truely amazing how things can change.

I don't think I will ever quit reading now. Because out of every book that I read there is at least one nugget that I can take and apply to the way I live and it just makes it that much better. Next ones on my list are "His Needs Her Needs" "The Five Languages of Apology" "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" "Good to Great" "How to Win Friends and Influence People" "Launching a Leadership Revolution" (I think I need a repeat of "The Anatomy of Peace" there was just so much I couldn't soak it all in one time through) and there's a bunch of others just sitting on the shelves calling my name, telling me there is something for me in them.

Allen has read most of them which is probably the reason our marriage and relationship is on such an upward spiral. If I would get on the ball and get all of them read I can't even imagine how good things could be and how fast. I guess the thing that matters though is things are getting better every day. I wouldn't trade Allen or our relationship for anything. I am so blessed to have this wonderful man for eternity. I just know he is going to be the best daddy ever! (When that day comes I suspect he'll read a bunch of books on how to successfully raise children and what to expect, just about anything he can find me thinks, we already have "The Five Love Languages of Children".)

Draper Temple

Monday Allen, myself and my mom went to the Draper Temple open house. It never ceases to amaze me how all the temples are so different and unique, but the feeling is the exact same. Well, going to an open house is obviously different than when you are attending to do ordinances. Actually...I guess just the intensity is different, and that would only be because of the reverence. Sitting in the church waiting to watch the video before being bussed to the Temple my mom was telling me how she took all five of us kids to the Jordan Temple open house. My baby brother was a new born and my oldest brother would have been seven. She said it was quite a handful and wouldn't do it again. In fact she said she wouldn't take kids until they were closer to eight. But you know, I would've been three and I remember (very vaguely) going to it. I do remember seeing an alter (didn't know what it was then of course) in a room and looking at the mirrors and the chandelier. I don't know why I remember that part, whether it was the feeling when looking in the sealing room or the sparkly chandelier, I don't know. But even at that age I do remember knowing that something was different inside the Temple. Maybe it was because my mom explained how important it was, but I really believe the reason is simple...I felt inside and knew that it was the Lords House. Life would've have been a lot easier and made a whole heck of a lot more sense had I been able to remember and carry that feeling with me. But by the time I was twenty and getting married...I guess it had faded. Since then though it has come back though and I even understand a little bit about the eternal importance.

I can't wait to have a family of my own! What an adventure and a blessing it will be! I just hope and pray I can do as well raising kids as my mom did. I'm kind of excited about adopting too just because we will get to take our baby to the Temple and have him sealed to us for time and eternity! I mean it would be awesome to be able to have our own children but what a perk to adopting, ya know. Not only that, but not everyone gets to take their baby into the temple with them. Basically an extra meeting with Heavenly Father that a lot of people don't get to have, I can't even imagine how cool it will be! And of course it will be in the Manti Temple. On our first date Allen and I talked about how we both loved the Manti Temple. The reason it was his favorite is because he grew up down there and that is where he recieved his endowment before his mission. The reason it was my favorite is because the first time I saw it it was a cloudy day, completely overcast, my dad had told me I could probably see it soon so I was looking. We came around a small hill and there it was, glowing, like a beacon. The clouds had parted just enough to have a beam of light exactly on it. I was in complete awe. That is when I just knew that was "My Temple". I almost expected angels to start singing. I guess they did in my head though. I love that Temple. I can't walk in there without feeling like I am walking into the arms of the Lord and he is giving me a big hug. Someday I would like to live a lot closer to that Temple. There is actually a house that sits right across from the Temple and has a huge picture window facing it. I have a dream to buy that house one day.