Looking Back

Allen and I have been talking about what if we do get pregnant? Talking about the possibility causes us to pause for a minute and think.

Neither one of us has wanted, desired or craved anything as long as we have wanted to have a family. When infertility raises it's ugly, oh, so ugly, head it does something to couples. Not only does it make us want what we can't have even more, which is the natural human response to being told no. It also either brings them closer together because they are fighting together to achieve a goal or it tears them apart because they don't know how to hang on to each other and look to the other for support when the going gets rough, and boy howdy does it get rough! Really though, how could it not get rough with all the anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, emptiness, heartache, loneliness and embarrassment that goes with it? Allen and I have experienced both ends of the spectrum. Hence the being divorced for a year, then a second wedding. Lol. Thank goodness we learned to communicate, give and take support and work together!

Don't' know why I just wrote all that but I guess when our kids are grown I will have had this put into a book and they will be able to read this and maybe appreciate all we went through to bring them to our family. Hehehe.

The pictures I just had to add because they are really the only two pics of our 2nd wedding. It was in my parents front room, Allen's dad performed the ceremony (Mayor of Centerfield) and the only ones we had there were our parents. We did have a family dinner after though. What a redneck I married...twice! Love him though, wouldn't trade him for anything!!!

Just A Daydream

Be patient with me please. You know how people get when they are excited about something...just can't stop talking about it. Well, right now I'm beyond excited about the idea of being able to give Allen children. Still not pregnant but at least I can once again dream about it and that is exactly what I am doing.
In my mind this is pretty close to what our babies will look like. I'm really hoping they have Allen's olive complexion, dark curly (wavy when short) hair and brown eyes. And very much wanting boys...I just don't know if I could handle a girl. I really don't know how my mom put up with me.
I know how boys think and I get it, but girls...it's beyond me. Not all, just most. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends just for the simple fact I can talk to guys so much easier. They really are a pretty simple people...they like it the biggest, baddest, fastest and if it's dangerous, even better.
Anyway, saw this picture on some website and it sent me into a daydream. It started with blue eyes but I don't believe I'll ever have a blue-eyed baby so to bring you into my daydream a little bit better I changed the eyes to match how I saw it. I would've put it in my arms but...it didn't have a body in the picture and I'm not that good with the computer. So the brown eyes is as far as I could bring you.
I guess I am a strange one...sharing my daydream...what a nut. Hehe. BTW, any prayers you wanna send up to heaven for us would be appreciated. :)

As requested, here's a green/hazel eyed baby with closer to my complexion. Not as cute as olive skin and brown eyes...boy...I hope they take after their daddy.

Aunty F Came For a Visit--Yay(?)

I had decided not to blog about this (you know...to avoid questions) but I'm too excited...very strange thing to be excited about, I know, but it's really not Aunty F that I'm excited about it's the possibilities she brings with her...assuming I will ovulate.

This is probably a little weird but we (I) would really like twins...we have catchin' up to do. Lol Found this ticker on one of the sites I found in my quest to find an online BBT chart. Thought I would share cuz it's cute, and helped get my hopes up.

I know that I am totally getting the cart before the horse but hey, God put us here and gave us dreams to make us happy. Right now the idea of a childhood (adolescent, and adult) dream coming true sure as heck makes me happy. Allen says he's pretty excited about the possibility but he's such a non-emotion showing guy sometimes it's hard to believe. But really about this...how could he not be excited?

Before we got married we talked about how bad he wanted a family and kids (we didn't talk about me wanting because I didn't think I could ever give him that) and I told him if he really wants kids and wants them to share DNA with him he really needed to marry someone else. It would have broke my heart into a million little shards but I would prefer that over getting married and having him despise me because I couldn't give him what he truly wanted.

Lucky for me I (my grandparents rather) found a REAL man who told me, if we have to adopt to create our family that's okay because they would be ours. God is at the helm and he knows the directions to get us to the place we need to go. So if they end up in our family that means God designed them to be ours and they are ours. Period. Okay he didn't say that exactly because it was a whole conversation...but that was the jest of it.

This is nothing short of a miracle in my mind. Even if I don't get knocked up, just to have something that will keep me from crossing the line from insulin resistant to full blown diabetes and will keep me from getting uterine cancer...I think it's worth it. Truly though...I think (hope) it may be our turn.

PCOS and Frustrations

A few months ago when I found DCI I happened to find a message board that has been incredibly helpful and provide a lot of support (not that others have not been supportive, it's just different coming from someone who is in the same boat). I go on everyday and talk to other women who suffer from PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I love this board because for the last ten years I haven't been able to explain to people the emotional crap that goes along with it. Not just the infertility but the low self-esteem that goes along with the weight, skin problems, hirsutism, low energy and in general not feeling very healthy (good). On soulcysters.net we understand each other. Everyone has their own story too, including what has helped and what hasn't (very helpful). I love being able to share my knowledge about DCI with people who can really use it!!! If what I know can help others get rid of the crappy symptoms and even better than that help them get knocked up (I always ask Allen, "When you gonna knock me up?")...my 10 yrs of infertility and emotional yuck...soooo worth it!!! The past few days I kind of wonder if that was the purpose.
Back when I was diagnosed I didn't know how to go about getting a lot of information about it. Don't get me wrong...I spent hours researching. But over the years I kind of quit trying to figure it all out because I wasn't getting pregnant with any of the information I could find. But 10+ years ago there wasn't nearly as much available info as there is now. Now all you have to do is Google PCOS and...bam...prettty much everything you want to know. If you want to know about symptoms and why they happen. This is going to sound a little strange, you still have to look pretty hard to find that the root cause for it is Insulin Resistance (does insurance control the internet too?). It's really very annoying.
I thank God everyday for leading me to Dr Purser who actually told me he was worried about my insulin levels. He didn't down play it like every other doc I have seen. He very easily could've said like I have heard MANY times before, "Your insulin is up, you should probably be taking Metformin to help with that."
It's estimated that upwards of 10% of all women have PCOS, a lot of them don't know it though (makes sense...how many people keep track of their insulin (not glucose) levels?) This makes me think that ALL ObGyn's should be very educated about this problem. But I've seen a few and I really have to wonder if they know as much about it as I do...the patient. Very frustrating!!!
Sorry so long...it was supposed to be real short but I have a tendency to just keep going when I talk about this subject. I'm just hoping at some point this post may find it's way to someone(s) who it can help.

Me 'n' My Daddy

A long, long time ago when I was...oh, gosh...6 or 7 yrs old I always had such a hard time falling asleep. Especially after the first time I discovered that after all the kids were "asleep" my parents would stay up and watch M*A*S*H, but not only that! They would also go to Parker's (small food joint here in town) and get shakes!

I discovered this all by accident, I was innocently laying there in bed waiting for sleep to come, trying to be a good kid and not get yelled at to get in bed and go to sleep...again, when I heard the front door close and heard the car leave.

I didn't think both my parents would just leave us all alone so I lay there thinking and pondering why one of them would leave, but that soon lead somehow to being sure they had both left and were never to return. Maybe that day we had all really pushed our limits or something...I don't know. Soon I had to venture downstairs to see if we were indeed left all alone.

As I crept down the stairs I could hear the T.V. and could see light shining from the front room. I knew one of them was there. After all, they wouldn't leave the T.V. and the lights in the room on wasting all that electricity! So I went to the bathroom...yeah right, like I needed to. It was the only way I could come out into the open to see who was still there without getting into trouble for not being in bed.

It was my dad. Since I have four brothers I didn't get too much one-on-one time with dad (who obviously would bond more easily with my bros, especially since he had only one sister and half a dozen or so brothers).

After potty break I went into the front room rubbing my eyes to make it obvious that I had just woke up. He asked what I was doing up I told him had to go to the bathroom, then promptly asked where mom went. He asked how I knew she left and what did it matter to me? I don't know how else it went but somehow I got out of him she went to get shakes at Parker's and I ended up on his lap waiting for mom to get back with "their" shakes, sure was a good midnight snack...hehe.

I liked the coolness of being able to eat shakes with my mom and dad just me 'n' them but the thing I liked the very best was being able to sit on my dad's lap leaning back against him to rest my head on his shoulder and watching T.V. with him. Just him and me... I don't recall how many times I got away with this but it seems it was a good handful of times anyway. I don't know if he even remembers it but I do, and always will.

When I think about my dad this is the memory that enters my head every time. I will cherish watching M*A*S*H with him forever. I love my daddy and am so glad he is my daddy!

Still Infertile...

Since I originally posted I've figured out that indeed I did ovulate the spotting I thought to be aunt flo (and took clomid) was from ovulating. :) Very happy! And the clomid did cause the corpus luteum to quit producing progesterone which causes temp drop. And the clomid didn't make me ovulate because my body just wasn't able to get ready that soon after ovulating. Pretty cool.
Well, well, well...
I thought I had ovulated. According to Fertility Friend (I chart my BBT there) I had. But then I took the clomid and I thought I had messed the charting up and that's why the temp drop...but no. According to blood test ordered by my OB there was no ovulation so I guess I'm still infertile.
Next thing is to get a real Aunt Flo to visit by taking something (usually takes a few different things to have it work). A road I am very familiar with...and I have to tell you...I am scared to death that once again all the tests and everything will come back "normal" and dr will say, "I don't know what else I can do. Good luck." And I will be right back where I was not too long ago which is infertile and little hope of ever conceiving.
What a bummer...
To be perfectly honest though not all hope is lost. I mean my insulin is normal (hasn't been for who knows how many years) which does affect all my other hormones. It could just be a matter of time before my body gets them all straightened out and working the way they should.
Who knows....

Family Reunion

Over the weekend Allen and I went to a family reunion...always interesting.
On Friday we helped Al's little bro and wife move to Parawan. Finally got to camp around dinner time. Then not too long after dinner time we noticed Skunk had a real medical problem. He has had the problem before but it has always gone away and never got that bad. So we then decided we better get him to a vet and get some antibiotics. We've already had a dog die due to an infection, it was internal so we had no idea she had it but it was devastating none the less.
Anywho, we drove 30 min to the nearest town...no vets available. Long story short we ended up in Orem until 1:00 am getting our little Skunk checked out and meds. We decided we were going to sleep in our own bed even if just for a few hours before heading back to the reunion. Happy to report Skunk is doing very well!
I would have pictures of everybody digging and then panning the dirt for gold but when we came home for the night with Skunk we took the Expedition back down instead of the truck and the camera...it was forgotten in the truck...grrr!!!
It was a lot of fun. You would think after 10 yrs of marriage I would know Allen's family or at least the majority. Nope. I didn't know very many of them at all.
Oh well, we are glad to be home and I'm pretty sure the dogs are too. They enjoyed themselves but they were all wanting to come home too. While we were packing up they wouldn't let us out of their sight. For their first camping trip they did really well.

Our New Nephew

Saturday Allen and I got a new nephew... this is Aiden. He is super cute!

Poor kid...too big...had to come into this world with someone pushing on his head and a different person tuggin' on his body. He was stuck! Had two days worth of labor to prove it.

Look at this cute new mommy!

And what a cute happy little family!

Not to mention the proud and excited older brother!Look at Allen holding a cute little newborn...only a few hours old at this time.

He's gonna be such a cute daddy!!! I just love this man!!!I just love baby's fingers and toes!! So stinkin' CUTE!!!

Weird thing is...this is the first time that I have went to see a new baby and not felt jealous. I really think it may be my turn soon. Maybe through adoption, maybe biologically (I don't really care) but I really feel it's my turn soon. :)

Forgot How Gorgeous the Canyon Is

Over Memorial Day weekend Allen wanted to go check out the trail that his 4x4 club was planning on running on Memorial Day. I didn't really want to go but I figured if he did anything not so bright and got stuck it would be better if there was two of us. It was drizzly that day on and off. Ever since they have started charging to go up the canyon I don't go much because I don't like to pay to enjoy what God gave us. Really a pet peeve of mine.

S0 we went up to Mineral Basin...parts of the road only one vehicle fits. That was not what I call fun. I'm very afraid of heights and when the side of the truck I'm sittin in is basically hanging over a cliff it's panic time. Luckily most people who go up there understand what a problem this can be and are willing to back up to make room.

In the end though it is worth it because it is so green, cool and quiet...did I mention it's quiet? All the hussle and bussle of city life really wears on ya (especially living on a very busy corner). But it's so gradual that it's hardly noticeable until you escape, even if just for a few hours. With the run off right now the streams are like booming rivers so everywhere you go you can hear the water...so relaxing...love it. I was kind of disappointed though because I didn't see any wild life...still enjoyed the peace and quiet though.

When I was in high school and there after (til I got hitched) I used to drive the canyon. There was always a spot somewhere that seemed to beckon me. I would park then soon I would be out of the car and into nature I would disappear....the good ol' days. I don't know if it's just me or if it's nature. But in these alone times with nothing but nature around me (sound of passing cars blocked by the sound of the river, or stream if the end of summer) I always, always feel peaceful. Like everything is okay, troubles disappear and everything is just okay. I look around and every living thing around me feels like it's God's way of saying, "I love you". Sounds cheesy I know but...that's just me.

One day I'm going to get out of the city for good. I'm going to move far away from traffic and confusion. I'm going to be able to look out my back (or front or side) windows and see trees, grass, animals, a stream...anything but asphalt, buildings and cars. I can't wait!!!

I almost forgot, Allen got a new Jeep. Obviously not NEW, but new to him. It was completely free except the gas to go get it. Although it is more of a project than originally thought. He was told it was a problem with the starter but nay...the engine is seized. That's okay though, he has a newly rebuilt engine he can put in it. He's so excited about having a project he can put together and modify souly for the purpose of going on trails with his 4x4 Club. I have to admit...I'm pretty excited too. :)

Fresh Veggies Comin' Right Up

I think it was Monday when we were out admiring our garden when we notices that some of them thar radishes were ripe and ready to be picked. We were sooo excited!!Our radishes made the store bought taste weak and watered down, they were so good! Al thought I was a real nut-job having him "pose" with some radishes. :) I can't wait for the rest of the veges to be ripe and pickable. After trying the couple of radishes we decided if we wanted carrots to eat we'd better thin them out and give them some room to grow. Thanks to Shilo (Sam's wife) we have corn, carrots, beets, cantaloupe, watermelon, peas, and squash growing. This year we decided that the garden is probably too big for just the two of us and Shilo was wanting a garden so she started them and got them growing. Then a couple weeks ago transplanted them into the garden. Love that chickie-poo, Sam done good when he married her.

So the excitement is escalating everyday! And the tomatoes...they all have flowers and soon will have little green ta-maters growing!!! CAN'T WAIT! Those are my favorite! And the plants smell so good!