4 Of Our Furbabies Have To Go :(

I'm so angry at our city!!! Friday afternoon there was a knock on the door. An older guy was standing there. I assumed he was going to ask the usual questions about the shop next door that I have nothing to do with.
So I opened the door and he said, "How are you?"
Me: "Good. How are you?"
Him: "Well, I'm really sorry, but I have to give you a citation for too many dogs."
Me: "Okay..."
Him: "I'm real sorry but the city is really strict on this one."
So I invited him in to where it was cooler and quieter.
I told him that before we got that many we had my brother (who was a cop for the city) look into it and find out what the laws are as far as the number of dogs you can have. He found nothing limiting the number you can have. He insisted it IS a law and the city is very strict.
When he went out to write up the citation I woke Allen up and told him what was going on. He said that's a load of crap because not only did Sam look up the animal laws his Lt did too!
Well, the guy came back in and Allen talked to him about it. Come to find out, it's not in the animal laws it's under the nuisance ordinances!!! Funny thing is he didn't say someone complained because they were being a nuisance. He said he found out because he pulled off the road to talk on the phone and they all came to the fence.
I know they aren't a nuisance because we keep their poop cleaned up so it isn't smelly or anything, and they only bark occasionally because unless there is a good reason to bark we muzzle them. Not only that, the woman across the street whom my mom cleans house for says she never hears them barking!!! She has told my mom that on many occasion because it surprises her because there are so many of them. Grrr!!! So angry!!! and sad:(
Luckily Sam has always had a bond with Rio and they wanted a more sturdy dog for the kids so he took my two favorites. So sad to see them go. But we have already been out to their house twice since Sunday when they picked them up and I think they are going to be just fine. I miss them sooo much though!
I think my in-laws will take Zeus for a time anyway, they want a big dog to sit in the store with my ma-in-law. Until after the court date anyway. Then we will see what the judge says. I'm hoping if I can prove to him that they aren't a nuisance I will be able to keep them. Until then though, they will have new homes to be adjusting to. Hopefully the last one we need to find a new home for (which ever one it may be) will be close and I will get to at least check on him for the first while.
Then there is just one more to find a home for. We don't know if we should find one for Dozer or Mak...or maybe even Skunk. I don't know...how do you choose? They are all my little furbabies. It's so strange to have just the two already gone.
Not only that we picked up a little kitten a while ago. He was supposed to be an outdoor kitty. Somehow it didn't happen. But neither one of us wants another indoor cat so we are looking for a new home for him. Hopefully that happens soon because he is so adorable and plays so well with the dogs!!! So stinkin' cute!!!

Albino Zucchini?

What the...? When we first noticed our little albino we thought as it got bigger it would darken. Nope!!! We have an albino zucchini growing in our garden, how freakin' cool is that? The entire plant doesn't grow'em albino. Just this one. How strange. Anyone ever hear of a albino zucchini before?

Baby Names

I want twins and always have, twin boys to be exact. When I'm finally able to get preggers I feel I will be having boys. The first I thought of this really was about 10 yrs ago, shortly after we got married. We had decided there was no time like the present to start trying for a baby. Although we both knew it was going to be a struggle. So in my hopeful thinking I decided that if we were going to have a baby it was going to need a name. I ended up looking through year books to get ideas. In Allen's Snow College yr bk I found the name I was looking for, Gunner. I wanted the baby, if a boy, to be named after his daddy so I decided on Allen Gunner and he will go by Gunner. I didn't tell Allen about it, I don't think, until we had been trying for a few years with no luck. He really liked the name so lucky for us that was decided.
With the want of twins we needed a second name. Allen came up with Andreas Michle. Named after both of our dads. I think he did really well. Technically not after his dad because he doesn't have a middle name it's just the initial "A", but it stands for Andreas. My dad has always hated the way his name is spelled because people think it's Michelle. So if we need the second name...would it still be named after my dad if we change the spelling to a more traditional spelling? Hmmm.
So what do you think of the names Allen Gunner Jensen and Andreas Michle Jensen?

Where's the Path of Our Journey Going to Take Us?

Since I'm pretty sure that we are going to be able to create a family (recent development) I've of lately wondered why we needed to get approved through LDS Family Services for adoption... When we started the process we both felt pretty strongly that's what we needed to do to create our family. If we wouldn't have felt strongly about it, I really don't think we would've spent the $1000 just to get the approval to start on getting approved. Frustration with the process, miscommunication with the agency, and not wanting to submit to the diagnosis of infertile slowed us down and eventually stopped us.
So for a time our profile sat idle, not quite approved. Then kind of out of the blue we were still laying in bed talking one morning about how we should just finish our profile. The phone rang and I just knew it was our caseworker. I said to Allen, "That's Sarah now. Guess that's a sign we really need to get it completed." It wouldn't be weird if we had been talking to her on a regular basis, but we hadn't talked to her for a couple months. Oh yeah, it was her. So after talking to her we both felt very inspired to finish and we did. But this all begs the question, "Are we supposed to adopt, too?"
I'll be honest, I haven't given it much thought, I've just assumed that is what the future holds. But...Will I still want to after I am able to have even just one of my own? I know some people get offended by others who have biological children of their own and yet want to adopt. It doesn't bother me I just assume they are doing what feels right for them, but would it be fair and would I feel right about taking a baby that could go to a different loving home where the parents aren't able to have kids? Or maybe there was something along the journey of getting approved that actually changed our lives and that is not the path for us at all. I don't know and once again I have no crystal ball to gaze into to get my answers, heaven knows I wish I did.
It's just crazy to think about all the pieces of the puzzle that seem to fit nowhere, then one day you realize...not only do they fit but they are key parts to making the puzzle complete. It brings everything together and connects it in a way that no other piece can. A different picture on the piece would make it not work or jive with the picture it would look funny and make it uncomfortable to look at, and a little bit different shape would make it not fit at all. The puzzle I am talking about is perfect...there are no pieces that don't belong. I just wonder where this little piece fits in my life?
This thought has brought me back to a book I've read, many times actually. It's called "The Dreamgiver" It's actually a parable but it is such a good book. Makes me cry like a baby every time. And it's such a quick read! Only takes about an hour to read it. When I have kids it will be a bedtime story that they will hear over and over and over.
If you have made it clear through this post...very sorry so long. So many things swimming through my head and Allen's sleeping (working graveyards right now) so I have to let it out somewhere. :)

Looking Back

Allen and I have been talking about what if we do get pregnant? Talking about the possibility causes us to pause for a minute and think.

Neither one of us has wanted, desired or craved anything as long as we have wanted to have a family. When infertility raises it's ugly, oh, so ugly, head it does something to couples. Not only does it make us want what we can't have even more, which is the natural human response to being told no. It also either brings them closer together because they are fighting together to achieve a goal or it tears them apart because they don't know how to hang on to each other and look to the other for support when the going gets rough, and boy howdy does it get rough! Really though, how could it not get rough with all the anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, emptiness, heartache, loneliness and embarrassment that goes with it? Allen and I have experienced both ends of the spectrum. Hence the being divorced for a year, then a second wedding. Lol. Thank goodness we learned to communicate, give and take support and work together!

Don't' know why I just wrote all that but I guess when our kids are grown I will have had this put into a book and they will be able to read this and maybe appreciate all we went through to bring them to our family. Hehehe.

The pictures I just had to add because they are really the only two pics of our 2nd wedding. It was in my parents front room, Allen's dad performed the ceremony (Mayor of Centerfield) and the only ones we had there were our parents. We did have a family dinner after though. What a redneck I married...twice! Love him though, wouldn't trade him for anything!!!

Just A Daydream

Be patient with me please. You know how people get when they are excited about something...just can't stop talking about it. Well, right now I'm beyond excited about the idea of being able to give Allen children. Still not pregnant but at least I can once again dream about it and that is exactly what I am doing.
In my mind this is pretty close to what our babies will look like. I'm really hoping they have Allen's olive complexion, dark curly (wavy when short) hair and brown eyes. And very much wanting boys...I just don't know if I could handle a girl. I really don't know how my mom put up with me.
I know how boys think and I get it, but girls...it's beyond me. Not all, just most. I've always had more guy friends than girl friends just for the simple fact I can talk to guys so much easier. They really are a pretty simple people...they like it the biggest, baddest, fastest and if it's dangerous, even better.
Anyway, saw this picture on some website and it sent me into a daydream. It started with blue eyes but I don't believe I'll ever have a blue-eyed baby so to bring you into my daydream a little bit better I changed the eyes to match how I saw it. I would've put it in my arms but...it didn't have a body in the picture and I'm not that good with the computer. So the brown eyes is as far as I could bring you.
I guess I am a strange one...sharing my daydream...what a nut. Hehe. BTW, any prayers you wanna send up to heaven for us would be appreciated. :)

As requested, here's a green/hazel eyed baby with closer to my complexion. Not as cute as olive skin and brown eyes...boy...I hope they take after their daddy.

Aunty F Came For a Visit--Yay(?)

I had decided not to blog about this (you know...to avoid questions) but I'm too excited...very strange thing to be excited about, I know, but it's really not Aunty F that I'm excited about it's the possibilities she brings with her...assuming I will ovulate.

This is probably a little weird but we (I) would really like twins...we have catchin' up to do. Lol Found this ticker on one of the sites I found in my quest to find an online BBT chart. Thought I would share cuz it's cute, and helped get my hopes up.

I know that I am totally getting the cart before the horse but hey, God put us here and gave us dreams to make us happy. Right now the idea of a childhood (adolescent, and adult) dream coming true sure as heck makes me happy. Allen says he's pretty excited about the possibility but he's such a non-emotion showing guy sometimes it's hard to believe. But really about this...how could he not be excited?

Before we got married we talked about how bad he wanted a family and kids (we didn't talk about me wanting because I didn't think I could ever give him that) and I told him if he really wants kids and wants them to share DNA with him he really needed to marry someone else. It would have broke my heart into a million little shards but I would prefer that over getting married and having him despise me because I couldn't give him what he truly wanted.

Lucky for me I (my grandparents rather) found a REAL man who told me, if we have to adopt to create our family that's okay because they would be ours. God is at the helm and he knows the directions to get us to the place we need to go. So if they end up in our family that means God designed them to be ours and they are ours. Period. Okay he didn't say that exactly because it was a whole conversation...but that was the jest of it.

This is nothing short of a miracle in my mind. Even if I don't get knocked up, just to have something that will keep me from crossing the line from insulin resistant to full blown diabetes and will keep me from getting uterine cancer...I think it's worth it. Truly though...I think (hope) it may be our turn.

PCOS and Frustrations

A few months ago when I found DCI I happened to find a message board that has been incredibly helpful and provide a lot of support (not that others have not been supportive, it's just different coming from someone who is in the same boat). I go on everyday and talk to other women who suffer from PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I love this board because for the last ten years I haven't been able to explain to people the emotional crap that goes along with it. Not just the infertility but the low self-esteem that goes along with the weight, skin problems, hirsutism, low energy and in general not feeling very healthy (good). On soulcysters.net we understand each other. Everyone has their own story too, including what has helped and what hasn't (very helpful). I love being able to share my knowledge about DCI with people who can really use it!!! If what I know can help others get rid of the crappy symptoms and even better than that help them get knocked up (I always ask Allen, "When you gonna knock me up?")...my 10 yrs of infertility and emotional yuck...soooo worth it!!! The past few days I kind of wonder if that was the purpose.
Back when I was diagnosed I didn't know how to go about getting a lot of information about it. Don't get me wrong...I spent hours researching. But over the years I kind of quit trying to figure it all out because I wasn't getting pregnant with any of the information I could find. But 10+ years ago there wasn't nearly as much available info as there is now. Now all you have to do is Google PCOS and...bam...prettty much everything you want to know. If you want to know about symptoms and why they happen. This is going to sound a little strange, you still have to look pretty hard to find that the root cause for it is Insulin Resistance (does insurance control the internet too?). It's really very annoying.
I thank God everyday for leading me to Dr Purser who actually told me he was worried about my insulin levels. He didn't down play it like every other doc I have seen. He very easily could've said like I have heard MANY times before, "Your insulin is up, you should probably be taking Metformin to help with that."
It's estimated that upwards of 10% of all women have PCOS, a lot of them don't know it though (makes sense...how many people keep track of their insulin (not glucose) levels?) This makes me think that ALL ObGyn's should be very educated about this problem. But I've seen a few and I really have to wonder if they know as much about it as I do...the patient. Very frustrating!!!
Sorry so long...it was supposed to be real short but I have a tendency to just keep going when I talk about this subject. I'm just hoping at some point this post may find it's way to someone(s) who it can help.

Me 'n' My Daddy

A long, long time ago when I was...oh, gosh...6 or 7 yrs old I always had such a hard time falling asleep. Especially after the first time I discovered that after all the kids were "asleep" my parents would stay up and watch M*A*S*H, but not only that! They would also go to Parker's (small food joint here in town) and get shakes!

I discovered this all by accident, I was innocently laying there in bed waiting for sleep to come, trying to be a good kid and not get yelled at to get in bed and go to sleep...again, when I heard the front door close and heard the car leave.

I didn't think both my parents would just leave us all alone so I lay there thinking and pondering why one of them would leave, but that soon lead somehow to being sure they had both left and were never to return. Maybe that day we had all really pushed our limits or something...I don't know. Soon I had to venture downstairs to see if we were indeed left all alone.

As I crept down the stairs I could hear the T.V. and could see light shining from the front room. I knew one of them was there. After all, they wouldn't leave the T.V. and the lights in the room on wasting all that electricity! So I went to the bathroom...yeah right, like I needed to. It was the only way I could come out into the open to see who was still there without getting into trouble for not being in bed.

It was my dad. Since I have four brothers I didn't get too much one-on-one time with dad (who obviously would bond more easily with my bros, especially since he had only one sister and half a dozen or so brothers).

After potty break I went into the front room rubbing my eyes to make it obvious that I had just woke up. He asked what I was doing up I told him had to go to the bathroom, then promptly asked where mom went. He asked how I knew she left and what did it matter to me? I don't know how else it went but somehow I got out of him she went to get shakes at Parker's and I ended up on his lap waiting for mom to get back with "their" shakes, sure was a good midnight snack...hehe.

I liked the coolness of being able to eat shakes with my mom and dad just me 'n' them but the thing I liked the very best was being able to sit on my dad's lap leaning back against him to rest my head on his shoulder and watching T.V. with him. Just him and me... I don't recall how many times I got away with this but it seems it was a good handful of times anyway. I don't know if he even remembers it but I do, and always will.

When I think about my dad this is the memory that enters my head every time. I will cherish watching M*A*S*H with him forever. I love my daddy and am so glad he is my daddy!

Still Infertile...

Since I originally posted I've figured out that indeed I did ovulate the spotting I thought to be aunt flo (and took clomid) was from ovulating. :) Very happy! And the clomid did cause the corpus luteum to quit producing progesterone which causes temp drop. And the clomid didn't make me ovulate because my body just wasn't able to get ready that soon after ovulating. Pretty cool.
Well, well, well...
I thought I had ovulated. According to Fertility Friend (I chart my BBT there) I had. But then I took the clomid and I thought I had messed the charting up and that's why the temp drop...but no. According to blood test ordered by my OB there was no ovulation so I guess I'm still infertile.
Next thing is to get a real Aunt Flo to visit by taking something (usually takes a few different things to have it work). A road I am very familiar with...and I have to tell you...I am scared to death that once again all the tests and everything will come back "normal" and dr will say, "I don't know what else I can do. Good luck." And I will be right back where I was not too long ago which is infertile and little hope of ever conceiving.
What a bummer...
To be perfectly honest though not all hope is lost. I mean my insulin is normal (hasn't been for who knows how many years) which does affect all my other hormones. It could just be a matter of time before my body gets them all straightened out and working the way they should.
Who knows....