Post Adoption Training Thoughts

Sorry this is extremely long, and probably boring.

Allen and I went to a required adoption training meeting last night. The topic was how to maintain a relationship with the birth family after placement.
I've gotta tell ya I got very irritated with people while there. One of the specific topics was how open you are okay with the adoption being. I didn't count how many time they said or implied, "Decide, then stick with it."
I guess lately they have been having a problem with adoptive couples wanting a baby so bad that they will tell the birthmom whatever she wants to hear. Then after placement everything changes and the adoptive family doesn't follow through with the promises they made and change all the rules. I guess they don't really think about how that would make the birthmom feel...on top of trying to deal with the loss she feels after being attached to the baby for nine months.
Not just anyone would be strong enough to place their baby in order to give them a home with a mom and dad, knowing the pain it would cause themselves when the time came to say good-bye. I don't know if I could do it.
The way some birthmothers end up getting treated just made me cry for them. How could anyone dare hurt someone who sacrificed so greatly to give them something they ached for so badly?
On the up-side though they have birthparents who are very honest and clear all the way through the process and the relationships they have with the birthmoms are wonderful and healthy. With different levels of openess.
It all depends on what is comfortable for birth and adoptive parents. Some just send pictures when the birthmom wants some. Others send pictures and emails on a weekly, monthly, yearly, or whatever basis. Some talk on the phone, send emails and text messages everyday or more. Then there are even some that have the birthmothers and sometimes fathers come and stay in their home for visits.
I don't know if we would be comfortable with having birthparents come and visit for days and stay at our home. At the same time I don't think I would really like a completely closed adoption either.
Allen and I both want to have the birthmother at least know that the baby is happy, healthy, taken care of, and loved beyond measure. What better way to do that than (at least) send pictures with updates and stories about what they are doing. I guess this is all stuff that can be decided when the time comes. Heck, we may have another couple years of waiting ahead of us for that time. All in the Lord's time, just wish I knew when that time was going to be.
Before this training I had kind of forgotten about the whole adoption thing because of my stubborness trying to get pregnant (that might have something to do with losing hope that someone is going to chose us to be the adoptive parents of their baby). But then we went to this training and both of us remembered very quickly that, indeed, we did do all the hours of paperwork and paid the $1,000 just to start the hours of paperwork for a divine reason. We know there is a little spirit that is going to come to our family through adoption. Now once again we are anxiously awaiting that time.
Everyone there kept talking about how they adopted a daughter and their little girl and girl this and girl that. It really made me wonder if the Lord is trying to tell me to prepare for a girl. I'm actually okay with now since my sis-in-law told me about her friend who is going to place a baby girl. I've even called my mom and asked questions about raising a girl and what the differences are and yada yada.
I don't think Allen has much of a chance of giving me a girl. It seems he comes from a male dominant family and his dad does. Heck even both my parents, my mom had 5 brothers and 4 sisters (two of which are identical twins so only 1 of them count), and my dad had 6 brothers (one still born) and one sister. I think the odds are stacked against us, as far as having a girl. It may be that adoption is the only way for us to have a girl. lol

Early Thanksgiving

Last night my family got together and had an early Thanksgiving dinner. It was a ton of fun! My nieces and nephews are so stinkin' cute, just love'em! My oldest nephew is going to be 16 in Jan...can't believe it! Where has the time gone??? My oldest niece is going to be 13 on Fri...why does it seem like I'm getting old?
Looking at these things, it all makes me wonder again...am I too old be starting a family? Should we really be trying to get me preg? But then again, I have friends on SoulCysters that are 40 and some a bit older trying to get preg. But then again, I know we aren't supposed to look at others and compare our situations and everything to where we are and what we are doing. I know, I know, put it in the Lord's hands and trust that he knows what's best for us.
I don't know if I have shared this poem on this blog or not, but it just came to me and so I'm going to share it.

Broken Dreams
Just as my child brings his broken toys
with tears for me to mend,
I took my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
“How could you be so slow?”
“What could I do, my child,” He said,
“You never would let go.”
- Faith Mitchner -

Anywho back to Thanksgiving...Allen works EVERY Thanksgiving so that's why we get together before sometime. He has worked every Thanksgiving since 2001 or 2, and the one before that I worked so it's been almost our entire marriage since we have got to celebrate Thanksgiving with the rest of the country. Oh well, at least this way we get to have Thanksgiving with my entire family and don't have to share them with their in-laws. lol

I love my family, they are so much fun to visit with! So glad my brother's picked the wives they did. I just wish Loren and Wendy didn't live so far away...and Ben is really sick right now so he didn't make it this time...oh well.

Next month we are having a family Christmas party on the 14th. Loren and Wendy are flying in and hopefully Ben will be able to make it...then the WHOLE family will be there! :)

I'm so thankful for such an awesome family!

Not This One I'm Afraid

So since I found out about this Mom looking to place her baby, Allen and I have talked about it and thought about it. We both feel the same way and have since we first heard about it...this just isn't the one. I
I guess we could be wrong, we have been wrong about a LOT of things. We both feel like if this was going to happen though, that we would've had some confirmation. I'm not talking angels singing or anything but you know, just a flutter in the stomach or an excitement. But there has been nothing.
I'm not saying if it was offered that we wouldn't be all over it, cuz we so would. Before this I had never thought I would like a girl, I even talked to Allen about it and told him I did NOT want a girl and if a birth-mother picked us and it was a girl I would want to say no. That sounds stupid I know but if you know me you probably understand. Growing up with 4 brothers, rough and tough brothers, I learned to deal with males. I never had many friends whom were girls, and most of the few I had...ended up were of the lesbian persuasion. That's funny though because a lot of the guys I was friends with...gay.
Anywho, my point is, I really doubted my ability to be a good mother to a girl. I don't relate to most females too well. I'm not into cutesy stuff: princesses, pink, ribbons and bows, cheeleading, make-up, giggling and acting stupid to make guys feel smarter. Just not me. The only thing feminine about me I think is I have a sparkle obsession.
Then this idea of the possibility of being able to adopt a girl...it's made me think. A LOT! I've decided I do want a daughter. It would be fun to buy frilly little dresses and cute little shiny shoes, to do thier hair, and to buy dress up stuff (you know the fake make-up and jewlry, hats, dresses, shoes). Heck, with my sparkle obsession I may NEED a daughter. Otherwise I may have little boys with sparkly clothes or shoes or hats. LOL Besides all that, what daddy doesn't need a daughter to dote over and spoil, a reason to answer the door holding a shotgun when it's time she can date? lol Okay, I don't know if Allen would really do that, but I sure can see him doing it. Hehe
Maybe this situation was just needed so when the time comes I won't have any reservations about having a little girl. I don't know...sure has made me think though.

Amazing the Way God Works

So the last few weeks Allen and I have been feeling like we are losing hope of ever getting to enjoy the blessings of parenthood. Just a few months ago we felt so hopeful...like it just might be our turn next but month after month the same hopeless feelings that we had years ago when we were actively trying to get pregnant keep creeping in bit by bit. I know some know what I mean when I say actively every extra penny and then a whole lot more went to dr's bills and prescriptions. And the energy spent...won't even start.
Anywho my point is I just had some of that hope restored. It was restored just hours after asking Heavenly Father to help us keep a hold of at least a little bit of hope.
Let me tell you a bit. I just got off the phone with me sis-in-law and she has a friend who is looking for a family to place her baby with. So our LDS Family Services profile is actually getting looked at! Yay!!! I'm not saying that I have my hopes up...not at all actually. I was just really needing to know that God had not forgotten us, and he pulled through for me. It is just amazing to me.

My Thoughts On Halloween

I used to love Halloween. It was fun dressing up, especially when you got to do the parade around the school. The decorations used to be cute witches, vampiric bats with smiles, pumpkins with goofy smiles and cute ghosts (kind of like Casper). Now it seems Halloween has changed it's face to ugly, scary and dark. What happened to the cute Halloween?
I go into WalMart and look for cute decor and it's all blood-splattered or oozing, grotesque faces things that look like something that climbed back up from the pits of "heck". Is it just me? Or has Halloween changed it's costume from cute and fun for kids to scary, dark and evil? A reason for parties and drinking and other things?
I thought it was just me that had noticed this transformation, until someone told me they went to three different stores looking for cute Halloween decor and finally gave up. It's interesting to me. I've never been much of a Halloween fan, but it seems the non-fan has turned completely against it.
I guess it could also have something to do with the fact that I have no kids. It seems people say kids change everything. Maybe if I had kids it would change this attitude...who knows.

Forgot to Tell You

Sunday Allen and myself were released from Ward Editors and sustained (and set apart) as the new....drumroll please....Family History Consultants! Allen is WAY excited about it, which is kind of funny because he never gets excited. I think my excitement will happen when I finally get trained and am able to help others. Or maybe it will be when I find my first ancestor that no one else could find and get their temple work done. Don't know but I'm sure it'll happen.

To Do...Or Not To Do...Hmmm

I haven't been posting very regularly but thought y'all would want to know that Allen and I are considering doing foster care once again. It wasn't too bad last time and we loved the kids, although they were a handful. Would've been nice had we known that they were both level 2 instead of level 1 like we were told! I guess that's why it didn't work out so well is because...I know you are think because it was harder than expected, but no. It didn't work out so well because it was dang near impossible to have anyone communicate with us.

Not only were we given wrong info, we actually felt neglected. Sounds funny but it's true. We would call our Resource Family Consultant (RFC) to ask questions and such, at one point it took 3 weeks for a response, and at that point she even told us she had gotten all of our messages but just hadn't got back with us. So we ended up talking with the kids caseworker to get answers, which isn't at all the way it's supposed to be. Then at the team mtgs they would ask how the kids were doing and if there were any concerns or anything we needed to talk about. Funny thing is every concern we brought up got brushed aside and forgotten. Talk about frustrating!

That's in the past though and I would know better how to handle things now, how to go about getting questions answered by the correct source. Not only that I think I would either request older kids (mid-teens) or younger kids (pre-school or younger). I don't maybe it wouldn't make a difference.

We aren't even for sure if this is what we are going to do...just considering it at this point. It would definitely be another adventure. If we do it I really hope it would be longer term like 6 mos or better. Even though it would be that much harder to let them go (bawled my eyes out after just 3 mos), I think it would be better.

Well, when we decide for sure I'll letchy'all know.

I'm Baaaaack

Well, well, well...
Miss me? Hehehe!
I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted! Where did the time go? Summer is over and the garden is tilled under and dangit...it...is...FREEZING!!!
Just Wednesday we finally found a good home for Mak. He's actually going to be used for hunting! Really happy we were able to find such a good match.
Also on Wed we had the big old Maple tree out front cut down. *sob* It was so dead. More than half of it had no leaves. I already miss the big old thing. Oh well, we're going to plant a weeping willow out there. I know they are messy but so are the globe willows we already planted.
Still NOT knocked up! Wondering if I should go in for a Hystersalpingogram to just make sure that tubes are clear...Can't convince myself to do that just yet because I'm 90% sure I was prego for a fleating moment a couple months ago. I was too chicken to take a test to confirm, I really wish I woulda...Not quite sure if I was too chicken it would be neg or if the thought of it actually being pos scared me worse. lol But a few days after symptoms went away and I just didn't feel prego anymore I took one and it was neg. Aunt Flo sure came late that cycle...holy cow. I guess that's what they call a chemical pregnancy...It's not a sad thing for me though because at least now I'm pretty sure it's possible.
Oh, one more thing...Allen and I have a new calling that we are both excited about. I would tell you what it is but we just accepted it on Wed night. So this Sunday we will be released from ward news editors and sustained to (insert new calling here). One thing I can tell you is........it's not Nursery!!! If they would've asked I would've declined. That is the one calling that I refuse to do again, at least until I have one (or two) in there of my own. Dreadful calling for someone like myself.

Taking a Break From Trying to Get Knocked Up

Allen and I have talked about it and have come to the decision if I don't get knocked up this month we are going to take 2 months off. That means no charting and that's right we are going to make sure it DOES NOT happen. This is a lame excuse but I don't handle heat as it is. I get hot for too long or get too hot and I get sick like pukey sick, so if I had an additional internal heater (and hopefully two) I don't think I would be able to handle it. If I get knocked up in the next two months it would be due in July or Aug...no thank you.
And besides 4 or 5 months of the emotion thing is enough...for both of us. It's time to just have fun get back to just enjoying one another, and a couple months of concentrating on getting healthier and exercising isn't a bad idea either.
I'm not saying I'm going to stop taking DCI or the Maca...heavens NO. DCI makes me feel too good and it maybe that Maca takes 3-6 months to really help enough for me to notice a difference...who knows. So the regime of pills will continue there will just be contraceptives of the rubber variety used, or maybe abstinence.
Thinking about it it may need to be a 4 month break...hmmm.

BTW: We decided Mak will be finding a new home. Tank needs too expensive food for us to feel like we can give him to someone else. We wouldn't have the confidence of anyone giving him the food he needs to keep him from puking. So sad...

Someone Choose For Me!!!

How do you choose between these two?

They are both my baby-dogs!

Or one more option...

Don't know what it is about Skunk.

Neither one of us is really willing to let him go.

I think it's because his personality is so rebelious and stubborn...just like us.